"The journey back to joy"

       This post is going to be a bit different today... Not so much an update on William, but more an opportunity for me to share my thoughts and feelings-- and to get it 'out there'.  So, first, let me say, William is officially in the 4 lbs! Such a great little man. He's also getting bottles now.


      Tonight, as I sat holding him, and as I had to leave for the night, I had a hard time leaving. My sweet, sweet boy- and I had to leave him there. Don't get me wrong, he is where he needs to be- growing so he can be a healthy boy. But, it was a hard moment. It reminded me of when Adalyn was born and in the NICU. It was so scary, she wasn't stable for a little while, and we were so unsure as to what was going to be the outcome- we trusted in The Lord, but it didn't mean we didn't grieve and have worry.
       I know we are so blessed to have such a healthy boy, and without the many complications his sister has and will face through her life, but sometimes, it is still hard. It's hard to leave my son every night. It's hard to not know when he'll come home. It's hard to be back in the NICU, even though it is 100 times less stressful than last time. And sometimes, even through our faith and optimism, we have to cry, to shed the tears and to turn to Christ. It's part of the journey. It's part of this life experience. It's part of being mortal. And that doesn't make our faith in Him less real or less meaningful. Because, we must take the time to heal, in every trial. And sometimes, that means acknowledging the hard things, and sometimes, yes, it means crying.
       One of my favorite people, Hilary Weeks, has written a beautiful song called, "Just let me cry". When talking about this song, she said, "Crying is part of healing. It is a necessary step in the process. It doesn’t mean we don’t have hope or faith. It doesn’t mean that we don’t believe in the Atonement or the Savior’s ability to heal us. It is simply part of the journey back to joy." I love that. Ad so, tonight, after I left my sweet boy in the NICU, doing so awesome, I cried, because sometimes, it is hard and I need to acknowledge that and I need to acknowledge that I need Christ in my life. But the beautiful thing is- He always comes. His spirit heals and lifts and strengthens us and helps us to be equal to the tasks. And that, is truly the purpose.

Just let me cry

Hilary Weeks

I believe that everything happens for a reason

We’re not just tossed by the wind and left in the hands of fate

But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected

And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.

And when I feel the heartache begin to pull me under

I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground

Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger

And there’s nothing I can do but let it out

So just let me cry

I know it’s hard to see

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today

So just let me cry

‘Til every tear has fallen

Don’t ask when and don’t ask why

Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me

I understood that there would be a chance that it would break

But I know he knows exactly how I’m feeling

And I know in time he’ll take the pain away

But for now just let me cry

I know it’s hard to see

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today

So just let me cry

‘Til every tear has fallen

Don’t ask when and don’t ask why

Just let me cry

I have felt joy, the kind that makes my heart want to sing

And so my tears are not a surrender, I’ll feel that way again

But for now, for this moment

Just let me cry

I know it’s hard to see

But the pain I feel isn’t going away today

Just let me cry

Until every tear has fallen

Don’t ask when and don’t ask why

Just let me cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason